To be Perfectly Honest...

I almost didn't make it. I almost didn't make it into a month of living in the R.V. I almost gave up.

Waking up at 5 a.m. in the dark and cold was hard. Student teaching was hard. The absence of electricity and Internet was really challenging. Taking care of two dogs was hard, especially as one was becoming increasingly aggressive (to no fault of his own).* 

There were times when the battery got so low and the lights so dim that I could barely see to put on my make up in the morning.

Transitions took up so much time: Drive 45 minutes from school to coffee shop for internet/electricity, unpack and work, pack up, drive to R.V., move R.V. for street sweeping, etc. 

On weekends, I was distracted by Steven and by the duty of taking care of the dogs, all the while having the constant chattering in my mind that I needed to be grading, planning, thinking about teaching. 

I couldn't handle the pressure. I was frustrated. I was being overwhelmingly negative. 

I needed a quiet, clutter-free space to focus. I thought to myself, "In 10 years, what will have a bigger pay-off: Focusing and being the best student teacher I can be or constantly worrying and being distracted by living in an R.V.?"

After one night with much work to do and no light and internet to do it, in need of a shower, and tired of hearing loud, aggressive barking fits from Taj, I had enough. I checked in to a motel.  I went so far as to look on Craigslist, find a room, and even called and set up an appointment to view the room the following day. 

I had so much anxiety that night and I missed Steven. I was so overwhelmed and confused I just burst into tears, sobbing, praying, asking the universe for a sign, any sign to help guide me as to what I should do.

I didn't want to sell out. I didn't want to give up so easily. I didn't want to feel shame when I had to tell people that I had done so. I didn't want to have to borrow a large sum of money from my dad when I knew my sister was finally starting university and needed it more than I did. I didn't want to leave Steven. I had made my bed and needed to lie in it, but I was so stressed I couldn't see straight. 

I have expressed this a little before, and I am not at all proud to admit this, but there is a part of my personality that lacks persistency in things that I struggle with/don't pick up on right away. I have a tough time sticking to things when the going gets tough. Ever since I was little, if I tried something and wasn't automatically good or at least mediocre at something, I would set it aside. 

For example, in seventh grade, I bought a guitar, and once I realized the lack of hand-eye coordination I had, the guitar sat in my room and gathered dust after about only a month of trying it out. However, with things like running and school, I was able to consistently perform well, so I kept up with them. 

Of course, you like what you're good at, and why would you spend time on things you're not good at? TO GET BETTER... something I didn't pick up on when I was younger. It didn't satisfy me to struggle when I could spend time doing well on other things. (NOTE: Please know that I am working desperately on this, and writing this blog is part of doing that! I most definitely see the value of chipping away at something and improving your weaknesses, no matter how slow the going. I see the value of hard work and the process.)

All that being said, I did in fact receive a sign from the universe the very next day. I gave my dad the routing and account numbers for my bank account, to receive the money transfer for the deposit and first month’s rent on the room. As it turns out, I gave him the wrong numbers and in order to send the money, he needed the correct ones by a certain time. I was teaching during the day and couldn't check my phone until after school, when it was too late. I knew right then what to do and called and cancelled the appointment to view the room. I was going to have to stick it out.

As a health teacher, I have a unit on mental health and include the word resiliency in my lessons. While explaining resiliency to my students, I read this quote aloud by Maya Angelou: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." 

This is what I had to do. I had to be resilient. Once again, as life shows me time and time again, I didn't need to physically change my surroundings; I needed to reframe my thoughts. I remembered that the second main reason I moved into the R.V. was to prove to myself that I can stick to things when the going gets rough. I needed to stay to show myself that I could make it through. 

I started going to the library every night after teaching, working for 4-6 more hours on teaching stuff. Living in the R.V. was the best place I could possibly have been for student teaching. Rather than being able to go home, turn on the T.V., lay on the couch and procrastinate, I had no other choice but to get to work. There was nothing else for me to do except go to the R.V. and sit in the dark until I fell asleep. It was an easy choice. And going to the library paid off... I kept up on all of my grading and planning, and my master teachers even told me that living in an R.V. was not hindering my ability to handle my responsibilities whatsoever, as far as they could tell. 

As it turns out, guess what I realized will pay off more in ten years? Yep, you guessed... staying in the R.V. and being the best student teacher I could be. In ten years, overcoming this challenge will help encourage me in other hard times. After all, if I can accomplish the task of quality student teaching while living in an R.V., I feel like I can get through most anything! I now have the courage to face challenges as I have proven to myself that I don't always give up.

*We now only have one dog. This is a subject for another day.