Some of the most prominent thoughts have been about my remorse for not chronicling/documenting our experiences from the very beginning. The main reason for this is because I was student teaching through the end of December. For those of you that are teachers, you know how energy-challenging and stressful a time this can be. I was at school all day teaching, and once that school day was over, I was grading, lesson planning, in class at university, or just overall thinking about teaching in some way. I could not get my mind off of teaching and was constantly thinking about ways to incorporate real life experiences into lesson plans.* I mean, I would be at a restaurant and think, "Hmmm.... that's an interesting way of marketing and can really influence peoples food choices and intake, how can I use this in a lesson during my nutrition unit?" (I should mention now that I am a substitute teacher, although I am credentialed to be a high school health teacher.) Other times, when I did allow myself a little free time, I was either sleeping or trying to nurture my friendships and relationship with Steven.
Anyway, I think one of the main reasons I lament at not documenting the beginning is because I am fearful that I won't be able to fully capture my emotions and thoughts that I was going through in those early months--- after all, they were real and they were intense, in those moments. There were some nights in which I felt I was going to go insane because of my uneasiness and others where I was so stir-crazy I just had to get outside and go... anywhere. Littles and I would walk and walk and walk, in search of some sort of comfort. I already knew back then that this inner-peace and comfort comes from within, but I couldn't feel it because I wasn't allowing myself get a hold of it for some strange reason. I couldn't calm myself down, and I was looking outside of myself for serenity, which is something I was anticipating and wanted to overcome. I just couldn't handle it at first and was not prepared for what the tidal waves of restlessness would bring to my being.
I really wanted you all to go through it with me, to help me realize that I wasn't going insane and these feelings were normal and that everything would be okay; I wanted the feeling of community that I see and hear about with other bloggers. Alas, I cannot change what was and it is what it is, so now it's one of my greatest hopes that I can emanate those experiences and realizations as they were at the exact moment I had them. And I hope that we can convene and assure each other that this stuff is normal and everything is going to be okay.
Switching gears, there is one good thing about writing about those experiences NOW instead of then, which is that fact that I can offer my reflection and insight as I look back. I can re-feel those emotions, but I am not in a state of utter panic, and my conclusions about the feelings and experiences can offer much more clarity. While this is good for readers, I think it is even better and really important for myself. I mean, one of the main reasons I did this was to change and grow, and writing about the beginning of the process now can help me realize and see just how much of that I have done so far.
So I will leave you with that: The fact that there is a lot more learning, overcoming, and growing to come, and as l lead you through the beginning of my journey, I hope you will join and continue along with me.
Have you ever had to face yourself/the world without distraction? What did it feel like? How did you deal with it?
*I know this is not always a good thing, to take work home with you, but I think it is in this case, especially as a beginning teacher.
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